Weaning part 2: The big transition – From breast milk to soft boiled eggs

Imagine you work in an office. You have been working there for about six months now, all is going well, you like the people around you, you know where everything is and who to ask for help. One morning you come in, and the key you used to open the door doesn’t work. Someone walks past and hands you a card, without a word, smiles and walks away. Ok, this card is different to any you have used before, how do you get it to work? You try and try, someone finally walks behind you, quickly does the trick for you and lets you in. You notice the office looks different, things are all in the wrong places. And someone was definitely playing with your chair! How can you work like this?! You look around, but nobody seems fussed, everyone is smiling at you, even though you have no idea what is going on.

What does this have to do with weaning?

Weaning is a change from something familiar, something your baby is used to, comfortable with, and ‘knows how it works’. Weaning is a big transition, it is a big step and a moment when everything changes – from the comfortable, familiar feeding sessions, it’s all new and different. How?

Spoon?

Whether until now you have been bottle- or breastfeeding your baby, introducing a spoon is a very different thing. Your baby has no idea what it is, why it should go anywhere near his mouth, and what you want to do with it. Imagine you are blindfolded and someone is feeding you something with a weird stick. Spoons are a normal thing in our household, we don’t think about them anymore – and why should we? But it’s something our babies have never used, seen, and it is to go in their mouth – it’s pretty intimate.

And that thing that is on the spoon? What is that?? Where is my warm, yummy milk?

Food?

It’s different consistency. Different taste. Different texture. Different color. Probably also different temperature. It is as big a change, as it can be. Again, try and remember when you are invited somewhere and you end up being offered something that looks like nothing you’d ever eaten. If you have travelled a lot, it probably happens all too often – how do you react? What is your first thought?

When we were travelling I often got offered food that looked like nothing I had ever seen. My first thought often was – I hope it’s not made of insects. I can assure you, I had to work really hard on keeping a straight face more than once when I saw what landed on my plate, or banana leaf. It takes time and a lot of courage – at least for me – to let something so unfamiliar end up in my mouth. It came back to me when we were feeding Antek in the first months – once I remembered that feeling, it was easier to give him all the time he needed to open his mouth and let us feed him. (Anna)

Position?

Until now, your baby was comfortably cradled in your arms while nursing, with the possibility of close body and eye contact. How can we keep this from changing too much, when we move on to the next stage?

Emmi Pikler and Magda Gerber advocated for no high chairs. One of the reasons for not using high chairs is that often we start weaning before babies can sit up by themselves – we need to then put them in a position into which their bodies cannot yet get naturally. Another one being that babies will not be able to get in and out of high chairs by themselves, even as they grow older. It might be exactly the tempting thought of that, that makes parents go for it. But do you really want to tie your child to their seat with food in front of them? (We had a high chair in the beginning, and moving Antek to our lap after a while made us aware of how much more intimate and enjoyable the feeding was. He was close to one of us, even when the food was somewhat strange the body contact helped him relax and feel a bit more at ease with the whole situation. Anna)

Of course it’s impossible to keep your baby in the same position that you did while breast- or bottle-feeding, but there are a few differences between the cuddled arm position and the high chair.

Everything really is different when we start the weaning process. Change is something we need to get used to, something we need to tame so that we can work with the new conditions and new expectations. New passages have to form in our brain (that takes time), and we need to develop new habits – this, as we all know too well, takes a lot of time. How can you help?

Here is Emmi Pikler’s way to baby-led weaning

Emmi Pikler intensely focused on all the different changes that come along when weaning your baby, and she suggested that there should always be just ONE change at a time. So when moving from breast/bottle milk to spoon-fed solids there were many little steps in between.

Those include:

  • Offering milk or tea in a glass instead of bottle or breast;
  • Once the child is used to the glass she would also offer first mashed vegetables from a glass (a little more on the liquid side obviously);
  • Only when the child is used to glass AND the new taste and consistency of food would she introduce the spoon;
  • And once the spoon is a well-known companion, the food would get more solid, the position of feeding would slowly change to be a little more upright;
  • Once the child is used to the new food, the spoon and the position he would be placed on a little chair and by a small table (by then his motor development would allow this)

In terms of positioning the baby when offering solid foods Emmi Pikler suggested a slow transition process too. From the arms of the caregiver the children would move to a half-seating position on the lap. And then, once they were (i) able to sit up by themselves, and (ii) used to something other than breast or bottle, would she allow placing them at a little table. The chair was matched for size, so the child could get on and off by himself.

When I first saw this little table – apart from finding it lovely and cute – I thought – I don‘t want my child to sit in there while I have dinner with my husband at our table. It felt like leaving him all one. Little did I know that at an age where a child is sitting at a table that small there is no common family meal. There is no „having dinner together“. 

We didn‘t buy this table but got a high chair that he could climb up himself (obviously much, much later). Only after a few months and „disturbed“ meals where I had to take care of him and go back to feeding him on my lap instead of us all just enjoying a meal together I realised that children not only take food at meal times. They take our attention. It‘s nourishment for the body as well as for the soul. (Nadine)

Pikler‘s thought was the same as with the diaper changes – when a child has had our undivided attention and full presence during those feeding times, he would be able to engage in play on his own while we – the parents – enjoy our meal together.

This sounds like a lot of work. Much to think through before starting with solids. And a long walk from breast- or bottle feeding to the meal at the family table. But in the end – this is what it is. A long journey. A big transition. From being closely cuddled up with just mom or dad while enjoying some warm milk – to sitting at a table with plates and cutlery, a variety of foods and the constant inner question of being full or not.

„Family meals are very, very rarely pleasurable when babies are included. Not only do babies not have any table manners, they need constant attention, create a mess, and I cannot see why such a tense atmosphere is desirable.

I prefer that the parent feed the baby ahead of time (and maybe even for the baby to be in bed) by the time the parents enjoy a well-deserved, peaceful meal. When children can participate in table conversations, they are ready to join the family at the table.“ (Magda Gerber „Dear parent: Caring for infants with respect“)

This may seem very „old fashioned“ to many of you as it did to us too. Now that our boys are 2,5 years old, can mainly eat by themselves and talk (sometimes A LOT), those family meals are finally becoming pleasurable and fun.

But I have to admit that until a few weeks ago it was rather stressful – to have the meal ready on time otherwise Leander would be impatient, 

  • to constantly have to check if he is eating or throwing the food
  • to have him change places (his chair, my lap, my husband‘s lap)
  • to not have a conversation or simply being able to EAT. (Nadine)

During those many parent evenings Nadine attended in the past two years, and the number of talks Anna has had with other parents, feeding and mealtimes were a constant topic for many parents. Most of it has to do with our expectations, our own experiences as a child and our impatience.

We are not denying that there may be problems and not all babies are happy to accept this whole transition at the moment we think is right. And not all babies accept the food we offer straight away. Or the spoon. Or the change in position. But what we are trying to offer here is a little food for thought. So we can understand our babies and lead and accompany them through the whole process mindfully and respectfully. To set a strong foundation for all those future mealtimes that are still to come when our children grow older.

“‘When you wake up in the morning, Pooh,’ said Piglet at last, ‘what’s the first thing you say to yourself?’ ‘What’s for breakfast?’ said Pooh. ‘What do you say, Piglet?’ ‘I say, I wonder what’s going to happen exciting today?’ said Piglet. Pooh nodded thoughtfully. ‘It’s the same thing,’ he said.”

The beginning of weaning: guilt, pleasure and information overload

Sometimes the internet does not seem the perfect invention when being a parent. There are too many decisions that have to come from within you and your family. Starting the weaning process is one of them. There is the when, what and how. And many many more questions you surely did not think of before giving birth to your little baby.

And then there is us – mothers – with our own thoughts, feelings, fears and worries, that emerge every time we face a new phase, a new challenge, a new step ahead. Weaning is just another one of them.

(This is the first of a three-part series on weaning and feeding small children in their early days of adventures with eating. Please let us know what you think, and if there is anything else you would like us to focus on in the two (or more?) posts that will follow)

Both of us mostly breastfed our boys, but regardless of what decision you made in the first months, there comes the day – dreaded or long-awaited – when milk is not the main meal anymore, and when the time comes to move on to something else. There is a moment when you start thinking about it for the first time, and you realize (perhaps) that the number of questions you had in mind is nothing compared to the number of possible answers, and the amount of information about everything that is to do with weaning: when to start? what to give? how often? cow’s milk? gluten? fruit or vegatables? iron supplements?

The old-school version (at least how we know it) said wait until 6 months, then slowly start with one small meal a day and see how it goes. This, as far as we’re concerned, is about enough to know about weaning (if your baby is healthy and does not have any allergies). But, unfortunately, both of us also love the question and answer game. And finding information. More often than not, it is useful, good, and once you get the hang of where to look you’re fine. But that, very often, is not a calm and collected way in which new mums look for information, especially not online. Ask your doctor, if you have one, or a nurse. Aks your friends. Look fort he information you need once. And then just move on – you have what it takes. And you have all you need.

So of course, there is the 6 months mark. But then there are new studies coming in. And of course there is also Annabel Karmel or any other influential celebrity of choice.

When Leander was about 3-4 months old a new study was published that suggested to start weaning at the age of 4 months already in order to avoid the risk of allergies. Before that all I heard was that breast- or bottlefeeding until the age of 6 months would be best for the child. Mothers. Pediatricians. Midwifes. And everybody else who thought to know all about it led long and painful discussions about what is best for a little baby‘s long term health.

It was dreadful to read or listen. But something told me that neither nor can be stated as right or wrong. It‘s a decision you as parents and your baby have to make privately. Whatever advice you want to keep in mind. So I decided to see how the breastfeeding went and how his interest in food would develop. (Nadine)

What we tend to forget is – every child is different. When we speak about gross motor development or play this all seems logical to us. But why should it be different when it comes to food? So how can we listen to a university professor who wants to tell us that we should do it this way or that? And the pediatrician, who looks at hundreds of little kids in a week, how could he know that our child is ready? Or not?
It is dificult to know when your baby is ready, the overall general guidelines are helpful. But YOU are the one who knows your child. And also YOU are the one who knows yourself. Weaning is the beginning of another part of the journey. For some of us it is easy, for some it comes with a feeling of loss and fear. The most important thing we learnt – trust yourself, and remember you are weaning your baby but also… yourself. Give it time.

The simplest, easiest advice we can offer, based on what we learnt with our sons is this:

When?

  • Roughly around the time when most of the health guidelines suggest, but don’t be too strict – every baby is different, it does not have to be on the day your baby turns 6 months.

What?

  • Easy food. Easy fort hem to digest and for you to prepare. Milk is easy. Whatever comes next will be different. Don’t give them anything you would not eat (I remember a friend of mine repeatedly giving her daughter mashed apples with green peas. ‚She won’t eat anything’ the friend complained. When I asked i fit tastes nice, she replied: ‚I’m sure it’s fine, I don’t really want to eat this’ – Anna)
  • Try to give a range of choices after a while, once you know they are used to the taste (and there are no allergic reactions). Try not to suggest what is good and what is not, even without words your baby is fully aware of how you feel about things (if you really hate something, maybe skip it for a while?)
  • Don’t prepare a feast only to later be disappointed that your baby is not keen to try the new wonderful thing you have so lovingly prepared. Leave the amazing dishes for later, when she is so used to the taste of your kitchen she will really really appreciate it. Put the time into being with her, rather than in the kitchen. Make it simple – for you and for her.

How often?

  • Once a day, small portions.

How?

  • Explain first. Maybe a day or two before you think you might start with the first meal. Tell your baby what will happen. Communicate. Show them the spoon, maybe the food. Next time, it won’t all be new and unfamiliar – making things familiar is a very important part of any change. Remember, you would want to know why the desk in your office looks different, and what happend to the coffee machine?
  • Slowly. Very very slowly and patiently – it is a big change, allow it to happen rather than rush through it. Every day is different – one day mashed carrots will be great, the next they will be on the floor. That’s fine, don’t take it personally. It’s not about you, or the carrots. Leave them and next time try something else. Allow your baby to try somehting more than once so they can get used to the taste. But also – allow them to decide they don’t want something. Surely there are things you don’t like to eat.
  • With a full understanding how difficult this might be, and no expectations of what will happen. It is a big change, but you are there to help him. This is another step you are taking together – both of you. It can be another wonderful adventure, another step in developing your relationship. Food is important, breast or bottle-feeding is important, so is weaning. This is the continuation of the relationship with food – they will learn now how to think about food, and this will set them up for life. The trust in your child that he can do this on his own time, will later pay back with his trust in you. That you will be there when he needs you, but also that you will let him take as much time as he needs. Be respectful of your child by letting her lead the weaning process. Observe to see how she feels about it’ (Magda Gerber)
  • With patience. This is never said enough. With enough patience, so that you are not waiting for another step – enjoy this moment, enjoy the here and now. The moment you are showing your baby what food is. Soon enough they won’t need your explanations. The most difficult part for me was realising that the beginning of weaning does not automatically mean we can bring out the knives and forks, our best plates and carefully prepared meals – That it is a long, long way between this first taste of food, and the time when my son will enjoy his meals knowing full well what he likes and what he doesn’t. When we started giving him food, and when he tried to eat it the first day, I was almost ready to prepare a feast the next. Of course, the next day no food went anywhere near his mouth… One of the hardest things for both my husband and me was not to take this personally. The food is good. It’s healthy. This whole process is so new to him, that we had to just let him do it, so that finally he could enjoy it – in his own time, not on our schedule. It is paying off now, when we see him willing to try new foods at two-and-a-half, happy to experiment with a fork, asking for more when he is not yet full, and giving the bowl back when he’s had enough. Letting him learn the relationship with food on his own terms has definitely paid off – but those first months were a true test of patience. (Anna)
  • With a lot of love also for yourself. Giving up those precious moments when you snuggle together for feeding might be hard for some. Not for everybody, but a lot of us have felt this tiny tiny sadness that this is the beginning of the end of something, and there is no going back ( http://sydneysteiner.com/2012/07/01/let-him-live-his-life-a-weaning-story-of-loss-and-separation/ ). There are many moments like this along the way. Admit that you’re sad, or whatever feelings you have. All those feelings are fine. Admit, so that you can move on. We have felt it. Both in the beginning of weaning and in the end – the last moments, when you know these are the last breast- or bottle-moments for the two of you. Cry. Buy yourself chocolate. Go for a walk. Admit to whatever you’re feeling (guilt, sadness, relief – it’s all normal, natural, and it’s so good that you have these feelings, you are a wonderfully emotional human being!), and get ready for the rest of the big adventure. But also – listen to yourself and your baby. If it‘s too hard for both of you – slow down. Starting the weaning process, starting to eat solid foods does not mean there is a deadline to be met to stop bottle- or breastfeeding. Give both of you the time you need. May it be months or even years.

Maybe one of the problems we see with weaning or starting solids is the wording. In the English speaknig world it all relates to weaning your baby. Stopping the milk supply no matter if breast or bottle have been given. In the German speaking world it‘s called „starting solid food“ so it‘s all about your child finally eating instead of drinking.
What if we call it a big transistion in your child‘s life? Where the aim is to make it as smooth and comfortable as possible. Not to replace morning, lunch or evening feeding session. Not to eat at the family table. But to go with the flow of nature, that milk at some point might not be enough, that interest in solid food grows and the path is a process. No handbook available. Only then can we go back to our inner feeling, observing our child and realising what he needs most right now.

We should not forget – food is about relationship as well. The relationship with our own body. While eating we try to constantly listen to myself. Am I enjoying this taste? Is it too cold or too hot? Am I still hungry? We as adults have almost forgotten to eat like that. Our children haven‘t. This is a huge gift we can give them – the ability to listen to their bodies when eating. To Stop when they’re full, say no when they’ve had enough (surely we all want our babies to be able to do that once they’ve grown up).

So when accompanying them during this big transition – there are more things to keep in mind than when and what. There is how and how much. And many many nuances in between.

 

Is there anything you found particularly difficult when you started the weaning process? Or particularly helpful? Can’t wait to hear your thoughts!

The Fuss about Feeding

This post is a continuation of our thoughts and reflections on the day-to-day respectful parenting practices. We started with diapering, and now we move on to feeding. We will only focus on infant feeding here, and will try to write about feeding older children later on. Before we go on, there are some things we need to say.

We have nothing to say about the choices you make with regards to breast or bottle. Or both. We have made our decisions, you have made yours. We respect that. There have recently (again) been a flurry of various posts and articles on one or the other side of the fence. We believe you have chosen, as we did, the best possible option for your family. If you are still thinking about it, the only advice we have is this: make an informed choice about the feeding option that you think will be best for the whole family. Yes, your baby is number one, but you are no less important. Look for information and support you need. If for some reason your choice is not working out, be open to other possibilities. Seek support, you deserve it and might need it. Look for the community that will value your choice and honour it, ignore the one that will judge it. Yes, we are aware of the issues that have been raised with regards to breastmilk and infant immune system. But one option that seems to be best, might not be best in the long run and for everybody. Basically, we believe that feeding your baby goes well beyond the whole fuss about bottles and breasts. That it is not about what you use to feed your baby, but about how you do it.

We believe there are two key issues that are involved in feeding an infant: nourishment and connection. And, putting breasts and bottles aside, we will focus on connection and relationship with your baby, which seem to be left out of a number of feeding arguments and debates (luckily, not all ). Because essentially, we believe that these two things are more important than any debate over anything regarding feeding. Also, they can be provided and enjoyed by any family member, anytime. Isn’t that a powerful thought?

As you may have guessed, we will not have much to say about nourishment. This issue needs to be discussed with your doctor, if you have any concerns. Instead, we will focus on the connection you can create during those intimate moments when you feed your infant, and the respectful relationship you can build in those moments.

Throughout this post we will talk about ‘feeding’ meaning breast or bottle, and ‘parent’ meaning anyone who is feeding the baby.

There is one thing about feeding, which makes it similar to diapering – you have to be there. Both of you. There is no other way. Which is why, in our opinion, it might be worth making it meaningful for both of you. Feeding gives us an opportunity to create a time for bonding, a time for feeding your infant with food but also with your attention. It will make feeding times more pleasant, and will make it easier for your baby to play on his own afterwards (and for you to have a moment of rest, or to do those things you need or want to do – in our opinion much more efficient than doing them while feeding). But it goes both ways – we, parents, want that quality time with our kids too. We also want their attention. And feeding is the time that we can all experience it. Maybe, then, apart from filling our babies with our attention, attentive feeding times can also fill us with their attention, thus letting us leave them to play afterwards…

Comfort – for both of you

You will feed your baby often. Sometimes the feeding will be long, for some babies it takes more time, some babies feed more during the night. If, like us, you believe that feeding is a great opportunity to spend quality time with your baby, it will work best if you can be as comfortable as possible. We have all probably done the weirdly-hunched-over feedings, or the barely-even-sitting feedings. If you are not comfortable, chances are the only connection you will be making is with your spine, or your arm.

There are lots of ways you can feed, lots of positions you can try out. We have found trying an important part of this journey – tell your baby you were not too comfortable last time, and you would like to sit with your feet up today. It also lets your baby know that while satisfying his hunger is your priority at that moment, it is also important that you do it with respect for both of you. One minute to find a comfortable position or a pillow will not make that much of a difference for him, but it might for you. Communicate and explain, and then sit down and enjoy 

If you are comfortable and relaxed, he will be as well. It will also make it much easier to find pleasure in those wonderful moments.

One thing that is important in finding a position for your baby to feed, is to always make sure he has an option of letting you know he’s had enough.

Being present and attentive

Nowadays we tend to use every spare minute to interact with the world. We‘ve got laptops, tablets and mobile phones that let us fill every moment that could possibly filled with boredom. I dare to say that most of us find it very difficult to just sit down and relax. Not doing anything. Not watching anything. An evening with no TV, no internet, no telephone. Can you imagine this?

Well. Nature is pretty awesome. It gives us the chance to get back to those precious moments. It gives us a baby that needs to be fed. Often. Sometimes for long periods of time. And while feeding this baby we can practice the not doing anything bit. Why?

Maybe because it is healthy to relax all your senses. To not think. Not interact. Maybe because motherhood is an incredibly busy time, and moments of peace are precious. But maybe – and you already guessed that this might be our reason behind – because your child will feel the difference. He will feel you are there. Just with him. In deepest connection. You‘re feeding not just his stomach but also his soul. Doesn‘t this sound wonderful? It’s a different way of staying connected (the older meaning of the word ), without the use of any connecting devices. It’s just about the two of you.

Be fully there

We’ve all been there when someone is serving us in the shop, selling us something, helping us fill in the documents, or helping us find the right person to talk to in the office, while all the while talking on the phone. Not a pleasant feeling, and often leaves us feeling as if we were a nuisance. Worse still – have you ever been out for dinner with someone and they constantly kept checking their phone? You know how it feels… Mealtimes together are great, not only because the food tastes nice. Sure, there will be times when you need to do something. To make a call. To answer an e-mail. But if you delay doing it until after the feeding, your baby will feel he got your full, undivided attention, and will be more likely to let you do your thing while he plays alone for those few minutes.

How many parents love to watch their sleeping baby? Adore it. Love it to bits. Well great news: you can do this while he is awake. While he can feel you adoring and loving him. And once he‘s asleep – you can watch TV, check on the internet. Or simply close your eyes too.

It does sound simple and we agree it isn‘t always that easy. But it’s worth a try. And you will see how deeply addicted you can get to it. So while feeding your baby try unitasking  And leave the multitasking abilities for other occasions, when you need them more.

Creating a peaceful moment of connection

If you are in a loud or crowded place, move away a bit if you can. Turn your back to the crowds, and your face to your baby. If you’re having dinner with your friends, this time fully focussed on your baby might make a world of difference for everyone – your baby will be satisfied, and filled with your attention, you will be able to turn back to your friends and give them the attention they need.

Will my newborn really care if I read messages on my phone while he is nursing with his eyes closed? We say yes. Because when will you see if he‘s opening his eyes for a moment? And while they might not see that far they can feel so much more. Remember how you can feel a person staring at your back. Why should newborns not be able to feel that way? And even if the baby is tired and half asleep and does not realize what you are doing – this is a great chance to practise. Because when they get older, they will ask for your attention. During mealtimes, during play. They don‘t always want you to interact with them – but they want you to be there and observe. And it does not have to mean you are glued eyeball to eyeball all the time while you’re feeding – but respect their need for connection, as well as yours.

Undivided attention is one great part of the RIE principles / Pikler approach. It means to be with your child 100% while feeding, changing or bathing him. During those intimate and very precious moments. It gives you the time to fill up emotionally as well – let’s be honest, not only babies need our attention, we need theirs too. And it also gives us a chance to fill our babies’ attention needs, so that for those times when we need to do something else, like make a call, answer an e-mail or take a shower ) we can, because they know we will be with them again for the next feeding session.

Feeding a baby is a basic need you are responding to. It is part of the bonding process. And as we said before – here you have the chance to feed more needs than the obvious one.

What your baby will learn:

That he is important and that his health is important to you
That mealtimes are pleasant and are not only about eating, but a great way to spend some time with each other (probably much appreciated later on in life as well!)
That it is important to pay attention to the other person when engaged in a task together
Respect for the body: his own – when you don’t ask him to eat more than he needs or wants, and that of other people – when you explain that it is important for you to be sitting comfortably
Lots and lots of language!

Further readings on this:
http://piklerexperience.blogspot.co.at/2012/02/breastfeeding-with-love-and-respect.html (Mama Nadine)
http://www.janetlansbury.com/2010/04/beyond-bottles-and-breasts-the-key-to-whole-baby-nourishment/ (Janet Lansbury)
the picture above was kindly provided by: http://lindsaymitchell.blogspot.co.nz – thank you !