Sometimes the internet does not seem the perfect invention when being a parent. There are too many decisions that have to come from within you and your family. Starting the weaning process is one of them. There is the when, what and how. And many many more questions you surely did not think of before giving birth to your little baby.
And then there is us – mothers – with our own thoughts, feelings, fears and worries, that emerge every time we face a new phase, a new challenge, a new step ahead. Weaning is just another one of them.
(This is the first of a three-part series on weaning and feeding small children in their early days of adventures with eating. Please let us know what you think, and if there is anything else you would like us to focus on in the two (or more?) posts that will follow)
Both of us mostly breastfed our boys, but regardless of what decision you made in the first months, there comes the day – dreaded or long-awaited – when milk is not the main meal anymore, and when the time comes to move on to something else. There is a moment when you start thinking about it for the first time, and you realize (perhaps) that the number of questions you had in mind is nothing compared to the number of possible answers, and the amount of information about everything that is to do with weaning: when to start? what to give? how often? cow’s milk? gluten? fruit or vegatables? iron supplements?
The old-school version (at least how we know it) said wait until 6 months, then slowly start with one small meal a day and see how it goes. This, as far as we’re concerned, is about enough to know about weaning (if your baby is healthy and does not have any allergies). But, unfortunately, both of us also love the question and answer game. And finding information. More often than not, it is useful, good, and once you get the hang of where to look you’re fine. But that, very often, is not a calm and collected way in which new mums look for information, especially not online. Ask your doctor, if you have one, or a nurse. Aks your friends. Look fort he information you need once. And then just move on – you have what it takes. And you have all you need.
When Leander was about 3-4 months old a new study was published that suggested to start weaning at the age of 4 months already in order to avoid the risk of allergies. Before that all I heard was that breast- or bottlefeeding until the age of 6 months would be best for the child. Mothers. Pediatricians. Midwifes. And everybody else who thought to know all about it led long and painful discussions about what is best for a little baby‘s long term health.
It was dreadful to read or listen. But something told me that neither nor can be stated as right or wrong. It‘s a decision you as parents and your baby have to make privately. Whatever advice you want to keep in mind. So I decided to see how the breastfeeding went and how his interest in food would develop. (Nadine)
What we tend to forget is – every child is different. When we speak about gross motor development or play this all seems logical to us. But why should it be different when it comes to food? So how can we listen to a university professor who wants to tell us that we should do it this way or that? And the pediatrician, who looks at hundreds of little kids in a week, how could he know that our child is ready? Or not?
It is dificult to know when your baby is ready, the overall general guidelines are helpful. But YOU are the one who knows your child. And also YOU are the one who knows yourself. Weaning is the beginning of another part of the journey. For some of us it is easy, for some it comes with a feeling of loss and fear. The most important thing we learnt – trust yourself, and remember you are weaning your baby but also… yourself. Give it time.
The simplest, easiest advice we can offer, based on what we learnt with our sons is this:
- Roughly around the time when most of the health guidelines suggest, but don’t be too strict – every baby is different, it does not have to be on the day your baby turns 6 months.
- Easy food. Easy fort hem to digest and for you to prepare. Milk is easy. Whatever comes next will be different. Don’t give them anything you would not eat (I remember a friend of mine repeatedly giving her daughter mashed apples with green peas. ‚She won’t eat anything’ the friend complained. When I asked i fit tastes nice, she replied: ‚I’m sure it’s fine, I don’t really want to eat this’ – Anna)
- Try to give a range of choices after a while, once you know they are used to the taste (and there are no allergic reactions). Try not to suggest what is good and what is not, even without words your baby is fully aware of how you feel about things (if you really hate something, maybe skip it for a while?)
- Don’t prepare a feast only to later be disappointed that your baby is not keen to try the new wonderful thing you have so lovingly prepared. Leave the amazing dishes for later, when she is so used to the taste of your kitchen she will really really appreciate it. Put the time into being with her, rather than in the kitchen. Make it simple – for you and for her.
- Once a day, small portions.
- Explain first. Maybe a day or two before you think you might start with the first meal. Tell your baby what will happen. Communicate. Show them the spoon, maybe the food. Next time, it won’t all be new and unfamiliar – making things familiar is a very important part of any change. Remember, you would want to know why the desk in your office looks different, and what happend to the coffee machine?
- Slowly. Very very slowly and patiently – it is a big change, allow it to happen rather than rush through it. Every day is different – one day mashed carrots will be great, the next they will be on the floor. That’s fine, don’t take it personally. It’s not about you, or the carrots. Leave them and next time try something else. Allow your baby to try somehting more than once so they can get used to the taste. But also – allow them to decide they don’t want something. Surely there are things you don’t like to eat.
- With a full understanding how difficult this might be, and no expectations of what will happen. It is a big change, but you are there to help him. This is another step you are taking together – both of you. It can be another wonderful adventure, another step in developing your relationship. Food is important, breast or bottle-feeding is important, so is weaning. This is the continuation of the relationship with food – they will learn now how to think about food, and this will set them up for life. The trust in your child that he can do this on his own time, will later pay back with his trust in you. That you will be there when he needs you, but also that you will let him take as much time as he needs. Be respectful of your child by letting her lead the weaning process. Observe to see how she feels about it’ (Magda Gerber)
- With patience. This is never said enough. With enough patience, so that you are not waiting for another step – enjoy this moment, enjoy the here and now. The moment you are showing your baby what food is. Soon enough they won’t need your explanations. The most difficult part for me was realising that the beginning of weaning does not automatically mean we can bring out the knives and forks, our best plates and carefully prepared meals – That it is a long, long way between this first taste of food, and the time when my son will enjoy his meals knowing full well what he likes and what he doesn’t. When we started giving him food, and when he tried to eat it the first day, I was almost ready to prepare a feast the next. Of course, the next day no food went anywhere near his mouth… One of the hardest things for both my husband and me was not to take this personally. The food is good. It’s healthy. This whole process is so new to him, that we had to just let him do it, so that finally he could enjoy it – in his own time, not on our schedule. It is paying off now, when we see him willing to try new foods at two-and-a-half, happy to experiment with a fork, asking for more when he is not yet full, and giving the bowl back when he’s had enough. Letting him learn the relationship with food on his own terms has definitely paid off – but those first months were a true test of patience. (Anna)
- With a lot of love also for yourself. Giving up those precious moments when you snuggle together for feeding might be hard for some. Not for everybody, but a lot of us have felt this tiny tiny sadness that this is the beginning of the end of something, and there is no going back ( http://sydneysteiner.com/2012/07/01/let-him-live-his-life-a-weaning-story-of-loss-and-separation/ ). There are many moments like this along the way. Admit that you’re sad, or whatever feelings you have. All those feelings are fine. Admit, so that you can move on. We have felt it. Both in the beginning of weaning and in the end – the last moments, when you know these are the last breast- or bottle-moments for the two of you. Cry. Buy yourself chocolate. Go for a walk. Admit to whatever you’re feeling (guilt, sadness, relief – it’s all normal, natural, and it’s so good that you have these feelings, you are a wonderfully emotional human being!), and get ready for the rest of the big adventure. But also – listen to yourself and your baby. If it‘s too hard for both of you – slow down. Starting the weaning process, starting to eat solid foods does not mean there is a deadline to be met to stop bottle- or breastfeeding. Give both of you the time you need. May it be months or even years.
Maybe one of the problems we see with weaning or starting solids is the wording. In the English speaknig world it all relates to weaning your baby. Stopping the milk supply no matter if breast or bottle have been given. In the German speaking world it‘s called „starting solid food“ so it‘s all about your child finally eating instead of drinking.
What if we call it a big transistion in your child‘s life? Where the aim is to make it as smooth and comfortable as possible. Not to replace morning, lunch or evening feeding session. Not to eat at the family table. But to go with the flow of nature, that milk at some point might not be enough, that interest in solid food grows and the path is a process. No handbook available. Only then can we go back to our inner feeling, observing our child and realising what he needs most right now.
We should not forget – food is about relationship as well. The relationship with our own body. While eating we try to constantly listen to myself. Am I enjoying this taste? Is it too cold or too hot? Am I still hungry? We as adults have almost forgotten to eat like that. Our children haven‘t. This is a huge gift we can give them – the ability to listen to their bodies when eating. To Stop when they’re full, say no when they’ve had enough (surely we all want our babies to be able to do that once they’ve grown up).
So when accompanying them during this big transition – there are more things to keep in mind than when and what. There is how and how much. And many many nuances in between.
Is there anything you found particularly difficult when you started the weaning process? Or particularly helpful? Can’t wait to hear your thoughts!